This is something that I have to do in my relationships if they are to survive & for both people to get their needs met. It requires humility & integrity but most importantly, understanding.
It is a technique that Teal Swan shares and also my therapist shared with me. You can learn more about it here.
When we can remove ourselves from our own subjective reality and start to begin to understand somebody elses, then it really does bring both people closer. Sometimes we can try so hard to love our loved ones, but without understanding them and their needs we can so often fall short of actually feeding them love in the way that they accept it. This exercise helps both people see outside of their own realities into trying to understand the reality of another. It requires both parties to be willing and open to engage in upgrading love.
I’ll be honest, my partner and I have been burning the candle at both ends and it makes me feel like absolute crap at the moment because I strongly feel that neither of our needs our being met because we aren’t making time to cultivating a growth based relationship. We have very much slipped into a pattern of complacency and comfort. This does hurt me & I can’t wait till we both mentally have space to dedicate towards doing this exercise again. The reality is that you can do this as often as every week! It soooo helps! Anyway. Enjoy.
In any relationship there are always 3 entities: you, the other and the relationship itself. One of the things which happens time and time again is that people get offended, upset and angry at boundary violations in terms of feeling neglected. Sometimes they may feel a lack of interest from their partner or maybe they are trying to give to the partner, but with no appreciation in return for their efforts. In all of these cases energy is being focused into themselves too much or the other too much but not the relationship itself. Oftentimes, one of the partners is not being fed enough loving energy and thus problems start occurring where energy is being depleted rather than circulated.
In any case there are a few possibilities here of what could be going on:
Theyare putting lots of energy into the relationship but not into the other person we are in a relationship with.
Theyare putting lots of energy towards things theythink are for the other person, but theotherdoesn’t feel loved that way. Essentially there is a miscommunication about what feeds the other person with love.
One person in the relationship is genuinely uninterested in giving, and is only interested in taking from the relationship and from the other person. This is a parasitic relationship, not a symbiotic one.
Sometimes it can be that someone genuinely wants to be in a relationship but is not interested in the person, this is not ideal, disrespectful to fellow beings and not a strong foundation for long lasting love. Conversly, someone may really wish to be with a person but is not feeding the person with the love language that that person simply doesn't use.
Steps to Asserting your Boundaries, Needs & Wants
The first part is that each person needs to write a list of the things that make them feel loved by the other & what it looks like in reality. Make this list as comprehensive and then rank them in order of how important they are to you in order from 10-1 (10 is the most important non-negotiable). Then order them from 10-1 with 10's being at the top so that the other can see in order of importance. Write this in third person.
10 Ask her how she is every day
10 Take her on a surprise Date just because
10 Create social gatherings together so that it is a combined effort taking the pressure off her
10 Hear her anxieties or worries without judgement
10 Work together creatively and help her to bring her creative ideas into reality
10 Initiate physical intimacy 2-3 times a week minimum
10 Hug and kiss her everyday
10 Protect her and shield her from unnecessary problems
10 Respect her need for quiet alone time
9 Avoid overt aggressive language or aggressive behaviour where possible and take a breath before it gets out of hand
9 Avoid shouting if possible- discuss problems
9 Sing to her
9 Take her into nature
9 Act excited/enthusiastic about things she creates or does or is passionate about.
8 Hold her hand sometimes
8 Tell her she’s beautiful and go into detail why
8 Help her with difficult technical tasks
7 Keep your beard shaved so the stubble doesn’t hurt her face
7 If you know she is struggling with something or is wanting to get into something, show interest and try to help
7 Run her a bath
7 Make her a coffee in the morning
7 Massage her shoulders and neck, allow her to do the same
7 Hug her from behind
6 Plan a get away where the things that are done on that getaway are for her
6 Love notes/letter/songs/poems
5 Dance with her in the garden or candlelit room
4 Take her to do art somewhere
4 Send her sweet texts during the day
3 Drive her places that she needs to go so she feels ‘supported’ and not on her own
3 Read books and watch programs on being a better person i.e counselling, self help, hypnotherapy
Next, share your lists and discuss these needs and wants to get clarity on how you can support each other and speak each other's love language. Do not be afraid to explain why something is an issue to you, what you need, what it looks like in reality and how you can work together to make it happen.
Sometimes things will make both people happy and thus it will always fulfil the relationship as well. BONUS. People who are being nourished by someone else, feel good about the relationship. It makes the relationship solid. So be direct & show your partner love in the way that they receive love.
Let me know your thoughts & comment below. Let me know how it goes!